Are you and your partner always fighting? Are you stuck in a conflict that never seems to resolve? Here are some top tips from a couples therapist on how to stop conflict.
Don't fight when you're highly emotional
When our emotions are overloaded we are operating from a primitive part of our brain, the limbic system. Our limbic system is only responsible for emotions, and behaviours responsible for survival. Our thinking brain, the frontal cortex is shut down in order to help us focus on the danger in front of us. Unfortunately that also means that our ability to think clearly, say what we mean, and see the risk and consequence of our actions is also impaired. Couples therapy counselling can support you to take better control of your emotions so that you can fight fairly with your partner.
Do ask questions and care about your partner's opinion
When we fight we often get stuck in a 'tit for tat' conversation about who is right and who is wrong. We rarely stop to actually listen to what our partner has to say. Listening to someone else, especially when you disagree is a powerful tool to disarm conflict. In couples counselling we can teach you how to suspend your judgement and tension, to stop and listen, allowing your partner to feel seen and heard.
Know that not all fights can be resolved
Research by Gottman and Gottman shows us that 69% of couple arguments are unsolvable. We are fighting over things that we simply won't agree on. It's ok to have some disagreements in your relationship, and how you talk about it makes all the difference. Couples that are able to hold different views and respect each other's differences are happy couples. In couples counselling, we can support you and your partner to get along, even if you disagree.
Fighting and conflict doesn't have to be scary and uncomfortable. Conflict is inevitable in all close relationships. Couples therapy counselling can provide you with the tools to mange conflict in a safe and respectful way.
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