How much sex should I be having?

The answer is - as much sex as feels comfortable to you! There is no ‘normal’ amount of sex that you should be having. Many people think that everyone else is having sex more than they are, that how much sex they have is some indication of whether their relationship is a success or not.

Is more sex better sex?

Guess what?! You can have lots of really, really bad sex - is that better? You can also be busy succeeding at other areas of life - is that a bad thing? Comparison is the death of compassion. The minute we start thinking we should be what everyone else is, is the minute we lose track of what we need for ourselves. The second we become unkind to our personal needs, and focussed on ‘should haves’ that often don’t actually make anyone happy.

In sex therapy we ask you to change the question from how much sex you’re having to - am I having good enough sex? Am I satisfied, do I enjoy my sex like? These are questions we can work with, this something that can be explored for the benefit of your own sexuality, not the benefit of other standards.

Are you enjoying the sex you're having?

Sex therapists will always be more interested in how much PLEASURE you're having over how much sex you're having. When we put a quota on how much sex we should have we immediately take away the quality aspect and focus on quantity. As sex therapists we are more interested in quality sex - where you both have pleasure - than if you forced yourself to have sex or had boring sex 5 times a week. We know though too based on research that how much pleasure you're having often equates with how much sex you're having. By focusing on pleasure transactions you can find sex as an option along the way - it happens more spontaneously this way.

Why do you have sex?

You may also wish to ask yourself - why do you have sex? do you know that there are over 300 reasons why humans have sex? Your reasons for why you have sex are super important to whether you get the desired outcome or not.

So the question of how much sex - should really be how much pleasure. If you want to work out how much pleasure you CAN have - please reach out to us.